So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
