Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
