his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your penis caused this!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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