my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
