he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
