Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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