somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
