just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
