Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
