I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so let's talk penis.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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