she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
