some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
