Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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