Kareoke will never be a sober sport
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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