She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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