Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
