Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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