you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
