The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
