I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
