I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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