i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
