It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
