I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
