I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
