dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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