Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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