Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
