i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Randomize
