Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
