I got her a Nickelback box set.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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