I faked an abortion last night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
