foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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