i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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