oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
