she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
