Pappa wants mamma naked
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
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