You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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