I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
