if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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