My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well I just put wine in my tea
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
