If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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