my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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