Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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