I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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