dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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