So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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