I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
