Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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