ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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